Review: Appalling Mall-Minja wall hangers!

Originally posted as part of Breach Bang Clear's ongoing Monday Night Knife Fights series.   

I talk about good knives, swords and axes a fair bit. I'm fan of dense steel with an edge. There's a lot of it out there, some good, some amazing, and some unspeakable trash. It's the latter stuff I want to discuss for a bit.
Lets talk Mall-Ninja wall-hangers. First you might ask, what's a mall-ninja?
A mall ninja is a breed of weapons and combat enthusiast characterized by being so ungrounded in reality as to make even the most hardcore gun nuts shake their heads. Equal parts naïveté, delusion, and obnoxiousness, the mall ninja contributes to countless ill-informed online debates concerning arms, armor, and warfare, and is a common consumer of assorted paramilitary woo, broscience, and shared misconceptions about history and the world. The term "mall ninja" is pejorative; no one self-identifies as such. We hope.
If you're worried there's a simple test you can take to assess your-mall-ninja status.   Good luck.
Now, if you're an avid Master Ken of "Enter the Dojo" disciple, you've probably had all the training and experience you'd need to make your own correct choices when purchasing your own pointies.
When it comes to some real Mall-Ninja wall hanger blade there are some key aspects that seal the classification:

1. Black. Real Ninja's need black weapons for their Tier One Wet Ops. Powder coated, painted, teflon coated, oxidised, it doesn't matter.
2. Cord-wrapped handle. Every real street-samurai wants their blade wrapped samurai style, and that means cord-wrapped.
3. Curves. Like every bad-lady out there it has a curves and every mall-ninja want's a bad lady of their very own.
4. More curves. See Above, but unnecessary curves are even better.
5. Extra cutting surfaces. Primary edges aren't very high speed-low drag. For true body-dropping power, you need blades on all faces.
6. Unnecessary serrations.   It's not a sharks mouth, buddy, its a knife. You need a chainsaw, get a Husky!
7. Tactical sheath. Drop-leg, back-scabbard or just "ballistic nylon".
8. A scary name. "No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley."Add a few "NINJA, ZOMBIE or DEATHs in there for good measure.

However; there's a lot of shiny bling out there. Here's a quick guide to some examples.

A - Zombie ass kicker. This is a bad-assed blade, but a serious wall-hanger. Extra serrations, extra edges to catch and snag, it's styled after the Aztec war swords to look extra scary. Ribbon-wrapped rather than cord, and a pretty thin, light steel. I don't have much faith in it's utility.
B - Living dead apocalypse full tang ninja sword.  Twin blades are better than one, obviously. Extra curves and serrations along the non-striking edge of the blade, as well as holes cut into the blade to lighten it, adding weakness.
C -"Hunting Knife." Perhaps if you're the Predator tracking Dutch and the other Rescue Team members.. This no-name piece  actually performs pretty well, regardless of its extra curves, useless serrated spine and extra holes. Its "full-tang, one-piece construction" is quite sturdy and the cord wrap handle well done. It's pretty well balanced, well finished, and were not for the extra holes and the saw on the spine, it might not even qualify as a Wall-hanger for Mall-Ninja's were it not for the dual shoulder strap back-holster  and the extra holes.
D - Black legion undead machete. Scary name, and wicked post-apocalyptic hammer finish. Now just add to the list the impressive looking spiked knuckle-guard, the "zombie-green' cord wrap and the drop-leg sheath and you've a "take-em-all-out before they getcha"special to scare mom with if she ever busts in on you practicing kata in the basement. water-bottles and melons of the world beware. To be fair, the blade appears to be well made, but the fitting are a tad flimsy for my tastes.
E - Z-hunter-axe. Not really an axe. Not really a hunting knife. Unnecessary saw-back serrations, extra curves and hooked edges. Great cord-wrapping and a single piece of steel for resilience, with sick jolly roger logo for extra-scary pirate aesthetic. Maybe if you're going from to room on a beached Somali cargo ship? I have a feeling it wouldn't  serve too well dressing a water-buffalo either. But zombies? narp.
F -KA-BAR War sword On first glance, this one looks like a prime candidate for Mall-Ninja wall-hanging.   It's got some curve to it, a lurid green scale grip, for extra zombie killing power, and a fully decked out nylon thigh sheath. However, its a serious work horse of a knife, but the scary name, and green scale gives them the potential for Mall-Ninja wall hanging.
G - Ontario Black Wind. Not every Mall-ninja wants a blingtastic katana straight out of Highlander or Blade. Some might prefer a more-or-less traditional "ninja-to style" short, straight and heavy sword, which is exactly the kind of blade that the Ontario Knife Co. put into Army Disposals and into the pages of martial arts catalogues. This is a bad-ass blade, undeserving of any scorn, and is in fact one of my go-to blades in the event of Apocalypse or civil unrest.  Even with its high-speed looking kydex scabbard,  just too good to be a wall-hanger.
H -Cold Steel Gladius. Last up from my own collection is the hungry-for blood Gladius from Cold Steel. Now, even the mighty Roman armies had their own groupies and  modern-day hangers on, thanks to a steady stream of "sand and sandals" action pictures. The humble Roman ground-pounder was issued one of these Gaul-stickers and bade go forth and pacify the Empire. The modern version hanging on my wall would have been a high-tech marvel of construction but fit in nicely in the shield-wall. I don't recommend trying to take that angle when trying to explain why you have one lashed to your hip with your Company First Sergeant, but, if you wanted a big ass blade for defending the empire "outside the wire" you could do a lot worse than one of these.



Lets take a moment to talk thickness. Cheap blades are often cut or pressed  from sheets of thin steel. This doesn't offer much cutting mass, strength or rigidity, all things I would want in a fighting blade. Different steels have different densities so its hard to gauge what steel is in the kick-ass zombie slayer you found at the disposal store, but the thickness of the blade can be a good indicator. I've found the thinner the blade, the less likely to be a practical tool (unless you're cutting sushi or shaving).



So. My last bit of advice to prospective blade collectors: Buy quality. It needn't be expensive, but should be from a reputable maker, be it a big company or a small smith. Be sure to give your new-found tool a run through its paces, before staking your life on it, (and get some formal training if possible). Don't be a mall-ninja.

Home Front: Stabbing Lcpl Schmuckatelli

Here's a bit of fun I had a weekend or so ago. I have used polyethylene cutting boards as faux armour inserts for some time for my roleplaying and MilSim purposes. They're about the right sized and shape, are cheep, durable and stiff enough to add some realism without being either heavy, difficult to come by, or plain illegal for a Regular Aussie Bloke to have in their possession, unlike folks in other Western World nations with newly elected governments.

I've used polyethylene boards in the kitchen for a long while now, and have often marveled how they hold up to cuts, hacks and stabs. I have even on occasion, slipped one under a jumper when I've been "expecting some trouble" and helping out a friend in a possibly stabby situation, Ned Kelly style.

So to test this, I loaded up my very under-inspiring Zombie Outbreak Grunt plate carrier with one of the boards I typically use, a Legitim from Ikea, which at 500g, (1lbs2oz) and 8mm (1/4") thick, has always served me well in the kitchen.

Up against it, I pitched an assortment of blades.

1. Schrade US Army knife
2. KA-BAR Famine Tanto
3. American Kami Super Colubris
4. Boker Tomahook (front and back)
5. United Cutlery M48 Tomahawk (front and back) 
6. Ontario Black Wind sword
7. United Cutlery M48 spear 

 I loaded the cutting board into the front of the plate carrier, which I had loaded up with 10 2L bottles of water, giving it a mass of 20kg (45lbs) and suspended it on a Tough Hook, with side-supports, in the hope of mimicking a free standing human target. Hitting a board laying on a block of wood or even free standing wouldn't be a very good simulation of being stabbed, but I hoped that this set-up would, as well as giving me a penetration "bleed" effect, if anything managed to make it through the board.

Here is the video we made of the testing.



I gave each stab or thrust a "I want to do you harm" amount of effort. Taking from my 16 years of kendo I have a fairly good idea of what these impacts would have on an armored target, as well as stabbing a bunch of things over the years for the hells of it. I was pretty happy with my strikes.

Here is the board once we removed it and married it up to the footage.


The two main "bleeder" shots were the back of the M48 tomahawk, the American Kami Super Colubris and the maybe M48 spear (if it actually punched that hole of its own accord).

So, in conclusion, unless someone is coming at you with a spear, or the pointy breaching end of an axe, you will probably be able to shrug off some stabs, and certainly all the slashes that land on a cutting board under your shirt. The good thing about polyethylene is that it is heat-labile, meaning you could mold it to be more chest-shaped.

Obviously there are commercially available, professionally made and certified stab proof inserts and garments you could use, if they were legally available to you, but for my purposes, they sem to fit exactly what I need from them. Won't stop a bullet, sure, but will turn a blade wielded by someone as strong as me.

Video Reviews: AK -Super Colubris, UC M48 Walking Axe, Skinning Axe, ZT - Deuce

Here are a few clips I've been saving for a rainy day, and there have been quite a few of these recently.

1. Kitchen knives and a pig head


2. American Kami Super Colubris vs pig head

My full review here:

3. United Cutlery M48 Walking Axe vs pig head

My full review here:
Follow up review here:

4. skinning axe-knife thing, vs pig head


5. Zombie Tools Deuce vs pig head

My full review here:

I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did making them, if there is anything else you'd like to see my cutting with, or cutting into, please drop me a line, and I'll see what I can do for you.

All bio-waste either goes to the pot, or to the critters. No wastage, no freeloaders...

Review: United Cutlery M48 Spear

Here's a fun item that I've had sitting by my front door in the umbrella stand for a while, and thought I should give it screen time. I've had a soft spot for spears for a long time, perhaps not as long as with swords, but still, a good long while. My first spear was a Kenyan Maasai spear, and I've previously shown off my Cold Steel Boar Spear which is as impressive a spear as you're likely to ever wave around and at 208cm (82 1/8"), it's not something you carry around lightly.

This is the M48 Kommando Survival Spear, by United Cutlery. This is another of the M48 family, which I have covered before with the Walking Axe and the very handy Ranger Hawk.
Sharing the same 30% fiberglass haft as the Walking Axe, which measures 92cm (36 1/8”) this is actually quite short for a spear, and reminds me of the Zulu Assegai and Ikiwa spears.

As with the Walking Axe, the haft is about 10-15cm too short for me to use as an effective cane, unless I wanted to grasp the head, never a good idea, really.

With the molded finger grips at the head end, and flared throat to prevent over penetration, the spear itself balances nicely when held here, one handed. Two other grip points, in the form of a series of inset groves about midway and at the butt-end allow for a number of different holds.

 Certainly in the places I'd want to be grasping a spear for close fighting, or in a shield wall, if that were my thing.

With a 20cm (8") head, featuring a rather impressive flat grind bevel on both sides. It manages this by being extremely thick, at almost half an inch at the middle, which features some fluting and holes through the spine, which drops the wight a little.

All up this piece weighs 1kg (2.2lbs), mostly at the head. Given the solid design of the head, I expect that it would take a lot more abuse than the head of the Walking Axe, which as you may have read, experienced some structural failure (but not catastrophically) on my last camping trip, chopping firewood.

I expect the M48 spear to pack a lot more wallop, but a spear is not an axe. I'll have to give some thought to how to demonstrate this effectively. Once again, the length of the spear gave me pause. Longer than a knife, longer than a sword, but not really long enough to keep a foe at more than "arms length". The other option was hunting medium sized game.

I haven't had a chance to go out far enough away from prying eyes to fling it around, but at 1 kg, it makes for a pretty dense package for a thrown weapon. It would make a very substantial club though.

Still, it's size allows it to go a lot of places a full length spear like the Cold Steel Boar Spear just can't. Like across your back whilst scrambling up a ravine, or climbing through a building.

It will fit in a car boot, or even lashed to a bike. That big broad head isn't suited to spear-fishing, but I can imagine that in survival situations it would work nicely for both sea-side wildlife and deterring land predators.

Perhaps the most telling aspect of this spear is its cross section.

I used a pizza box to demonstrate the cross section, and you can see just how solid the M48 blade is. This thing pokes big holes.Perhaps not as wide or deep as the Cold Steel, but certainly broadly.

I've not really had much opportunity to put it thought its paces, the fox that took my last bunch of pet rabbits hasn't been back since I threw the Walking Axe at it (close is NOT a hit, in this case) but I think that local livestock protection and vermin control might well be the best option for this piece, until it comes time to go house-to-house and ventilate a horde.

Update: United Cutlery M48 Walking Axe

I have some bad news, rugged and prepared readers. I took my UC M48 Walking Axe camping with me last weekend, along with my M48 Ranger Hawk tomahawk  and my Fiskars log splitter.

We were cooking and heating by firewood for six adults and four under 10's. This meant a bunch of chopping and we were lucky enough that recent storms had necessitated the Rangers chainsaw a couple of trunks. The Fiskars splitter broke the logs up and we used the three axes to break them up into workable pieces and kindling.

The Walking Axe performed really well, light and fast, and soon out performed the Fiskars when it came to the lighter pieces.


When I got the Walking Axe home to do some maintenance I was dismayed to find that the main spar of the head had developed a serious crack. On one side the steel had even spalled.

It seems the chopping and splitting was too harsh for this design. It's possible that this particular piece had a flaw in its metal, but given the placement, it looked like design flaw to me.

I was really disappointed by this, mostly because of how well the axe had performed in both firewood chopping, but also branch-clearing.

There is still a fair amount of metal holding the head in place, so it is still functional, but how long till a spectacular failure occurs, I just don't know. I will not be staking my life on it, that's for sure.

Still, it did good work, and I was glad to have given it a thorough workout. It will still sit by the door in the umbrella stand / home defense artillery shell, ready to fend off fallen branches.

Review: United Cutlery - M48 Walking Axe

Here's something I've been sitting on for a little while, and wanted to bring into the light, now that we are on the cusp of spring.

Much like Gimli The Dwarf I do enjoy the heft of a good axe in the hand. I've been chopping wood since I was 8 or 9 I think, off and on (our current house doesn't even have a fireplace), but I do have a brazier and the Pot Belly Stove project. I've previously reported on my other axes, including my outstanding FISKARS log splitter and my little United Cutlery M48 Ranger Hawk. In addition, I have at least one other traditional wood-hafted chopping axe, and two hatchets. Lots of axe-action. So when I saw that Global Gear was stocking the big sister of the Ranger Hawk, the "Tactical Axe" I thought I just had to get my hands on it.

The toxic green "zombie apocalypse" version of the axe is called a walking axe, referring to it being walking stick height. You can see here that this is pretty much the case, and for people shorter than me this would probably even be a comfortable option. It's just not quite long enough for me in this role. More on that later. (Check out my new 5.11 Tactical Kilt, too)


Here I've lain the two M48 axes side by side so you can get an idea of the differences between the heads.

They both share the "bearded axe" design that I am very find of, and you can see that the Walking Axe has a more pronounced curve to the head, as well as being longer edged.at around 12cm (5") of blade, and being 20cm (8") long. Wielding it brings out my Viking heritage more than I care to say ...

The other features of the head differ between the tomahawk and the walking axe, which was interesting. It wasn't simply a matter of putting the same head on a different shaft. Instead of three circular holes running backwards from the head, three triangular holed run down the length of it. These sit well past the secondary grind, and add to the liveliness of the blade considerably.

This is probably a good thing, because instead of the sharpened pick at the back of the axe, the Walking Axe features a curved hammer/handle end. With these considerable differences this really is a stand-alone piece. You can also see the differences in the shaft, which I'll cover in a moment.

The 91cm ( 36") super strong, black handle is made of a 30% fiberglass composite and is both light and quite rigid, whilst still having some flex to absorb the shock of impact.

There are two sets of ringed groves set into the haft, one down at the butt, the other about midway, which is a slightly larger set having two sets of 8 groves, the lower set just a single set of eight. As well as these there is the "knuckle" bump at about three quarters of the way up the haft, a features shared by the Ranger Hawk, as well as a set of finger grip lumps behind the beard that the Ranger Hawk does not have.

The cast 7Cr17 stainless steel blade is quite sharp and has considerable bite, good for chopping as well as whittling, if you can manage the long haft. As with the Ranger Hawk, the axe head is attached to the haft with three separate metal hex bolts.

The fittings are exactly the same between the two, and I suspect I could swap them out without any trouble at all.

You can see here the hammer/handle end is actually quite curved, and lacks a flattened striking face, more like a ball-peen hammer.

The fact that the hammer/handle end has a downwards curve lends itself to the idea of using it as a "break and rake" tool for clearing window frames, in the event you need emergency entrance (or exit). It, like the head of the blade, is quite thick, surprisingly so given the over all weight of the axe, which is only 1.4kg (3lbs) or so.

It also gives a nice, ergonomic place to rest your palm whilst hiking with the axe, in its walking-stick aspect.

The slight skeletonisation of the head drops the weight again, and adds a double line of gripping points to add to your ability to retain the tool when holding it.


The axe comes with a synthetic rubber "guard" which in theory pegs itself closed through the top of the cut-aways in the head. In my one, this didn't quite work, and I had to run a twist tie through the loop in order to snag it shut. With drain holes a-plenty, and covering the bitey tops and bottoms the of the beard, this does a good job in protecting the user, the environment and random passer-s by from feeling the bite of the axe.

This is a fun piece, and very lively in the hands. The play from gripping it, swinging it, and the slide of hands along its haft makes it a very quick and light tool, a far cry in feel from my FISKARS log splitter, and felt much more like a sword than a hammer, so to speak.

The lightness of the head will play a part in its usefulness when it comes to chopping and splitting, but for brush clearing, and the lopping of limbs, I suspect it will do just fine.

The fiberglass reinforced handle, as I say, is a tad too short for me to use as a walking stick, personally, but I have a big household, and I'm sure someone will find it useful in our upcoming camping and adventuring summer!

Til Valhall!

Think Geek Goodness

Think geek (source of some fun accessories) have a sale going on, and I wanted to share the details with you.



$20 Off $100 Affiliate Exclusive

$20 off $100 AFFILIATE EXCLUSIVE!
Code: 20SMACKERS
Starts: NOW
Ends: May 12th EOD

You thought $20 off $100 off of Star Wars Products was cool?! Pfff I got your backs with this WEEK LONG AFFILIATE EXCLUSIVE!

Get $20 off $100 on EVERYTHING when you use the code 20SMACKERS. This code can not be combined with any other offer. This promotion starts NOW and ends May 12th at the end of the day.

You can find the following items I've reviewed there:












check it out and maybe pick your self up a bargain.

Video Review: United Cutlery M48 RangerHawk

This is me testing out the United Cutlery M48 Rangerhawk which I reviewed recently.

Hope you enjoy watching me chopping, piercing and hacking!

Click image to go to Think Geek's store

Review: United Cutlery - M48 Ranger Hawk axe

Here is my first totally "tacticool" post in a while. I have shown you some axe-love in the past, and even debunked a cancelled product post and flirted with some serious and lustful objects but haven't really gotten up close and personal with the smaller choppers, till now!

This piece of bad-assed pointy is the
M48 Kommando Ranger Hawk Axe from United Cutlery. I had seen this advertised on ThinkGeek, and loved the look of it, and for the price, was willing to grab one to mess with. ThinkGeek have changed their shipping conditions however and this as well as many other of their tool and cool items no longer ship to Australia. I don't know if this from their end or ours, but I was denied! I hate that. I managed to find alternate means of securing my item, via a well known ordering service named after a large South American river system. This too was not without issue, and following once cancellation, I managed to secure myself a chopper!

This head of this piece is "precision" cast 2Cr13 stainless steel, and features a wide bearded cutting edge, which sweeps downwards nicely, and has a very smooth geometry to its edge.The topside of the head has been beveled back and is not blackened like the rest of the head, which I thought was a little odd.. Three holes skeletonise the head, reducing the over all weight without making the piece flimsy feeling in the slightest. The back of the "beard" had a smooth finish and I felt I could grip it for precision whittling if it ever appealed to me. The whole piece weighs in at 1.088 kg (2.4lbs) and sitting at approximately 20cm (7 5/8") across the length of the head, and just under 40cm (15 1/2") "tall" This is a really light option for what it is.

There is apparently 90cm (36") a pole-axe version available as well, but it looks like it may be a different head too.



The flip side of the axe-head is this very impressive spiked beak, again with the edges being uncoated "false edges" in this case leading to a rather pointy, and well defined penetrating tip. the beak follows the same lines as the axe-beard, and sweeps downwards, aiding in transferring the energy of a swing. An interesting and well thought out feature seen clearly here is the notch cut into the underside of the beak, which fits the thumb-and-index finger top of your fist if you slide your hand right up the shaft to take a grip of just the head. This facilitates a really comfortable choked-up grip for fine chopping or perhaps cutting with the blade.
Traditionally,the back of a Tomahawk
seems to have primarily been a hammer type end, rather than a spike, which seems to have been more a common feature of the Warhammer. No less devastating when featured here though, I imagine.

The handle of this piece is nylon, reinforced with 30% fiberglass and features both a double sided "knuckle" for gripping and preventing you from accidentally sliding up the grip, as well as a series of deep groves running the circumference of the rounded handle.

A lanyard hole at the base fits paracord nicely, and in fact,  one of the options offered by United Cutlery is a cord-wrapped version (only on one colour of the handle as far as I can tell, the OD version). Speaking of which, there appear to be a number of colour options available for this, black, OD green, safety orange and rescue yellow. This is a really nice thought, allowing people to clearly indicate the tools function, or keep it subdued and inconspicuous for those people on two-way firing ranges who don't want to stand out.


The head of the axe is fitted to the haft with three TORX type screws, binding the tang to about 1/3 of the length of the haft. I was happy with the binding and security of this attachment, from the brief testing I gave this piece, but intend to do a whole lot more chopping with it shortly.

The sheath is probably the least satisfying piece of the package. Whilst the nylon and furniture was hefty and felt well put together, with rivets along the top and cutting edges, and press-studs to close the bottom of the sheath, for "pull-away" access, however, on the back of the sheath, the attachment options to mount the whole thing were pretty woeful on this model. A single narrow belt-loop was pretty limiting, and I think I will need to do some modifications before I can fit this into my current platforms and bug-out-bags. To be fair, the cord-wrapped / OD green option comes with a somewhat more accommodating sheath, with some PALS/MOLLE looking hook-and-loop tabs, but overall, this was a disappointing end to what was otherwise an outstanding looking and feeling little axe. . 

Perfect for that long trek in the bush, demounted search and rescue, breaching and increasingly for CQB if accounts are to be believed.   

VIDEO REVIEW HERE

Click to go to Think Geek store listing ....

You may wonder, in this era, why would people be interested in a hand-axe, well here are some Hollywood-produced suggestions....

Making a lasting first impression.... Colonial era style

Up close and personal, Revolutionary War style.

Review: United Cutlery Trophy Master - Sidekick Tanto

I haven't covered any of my knives for a while, and thought this one would be a good addition. This is the United Cutlery "Trophy Master" Sidekick skinning knife, in "tanto". I don't have a link back to the manufacturer, as it seems United went Bankrupt in 2006 which is sad, as I've picked up a lot of their products over the years, my Lord of the Rings wall-hangers for one. Anyways, sad news at that is, I can still give you a review of this blade, and they are available through a variety of on-line sources it seems. So. What can I tell you about this knife? Firstly, it's made from corrosion resistant 420 J2 steel, which is both hard-wearing and low maintenance, but also holds a reasonable edge. It features an integral finger ring, a curling tail and a crenelated aggressive thumb grip.The polypropylene sheath is fitted with a belt clip and retains the blade with a pop-out mechanism which mates with the finger-loop on the blade. This is a little blade, being only 15.5 cm (6 1/8") long overall, but considering its purpose, that may not be a concern for you.
The Sidekick fits my hand very nicely, I have long fingers and I thought that might be an issue for a "naked" blade without scales, but the design lent itself very well to my grip. The "fingers through, thumb on the spine" technique for holding this knife enables some precision and control under circumstances that might otherwise be challenging with a "make a fist" grip. Whilst being designed as a skinning-knife, this version's "tanto" point is somewhat at odds with that, however, it has suited my needs very nicely, as a slicing and penetrating blade.

 The overall cross-section is quite stocky, which does interfere with thin-slices, but offers a very sturdy and stiff cutting edge on the other hand. The false edge of the spine meets the tip very neatly, and allows for a very sharp point to be achieved. Similarly, the straight edge of both the "tanto" tip and the main edge of the knife make for easy sharpening, but i have found that the thickness of the blade overall does not lend itself to keeping a finely honed edge.

That said, this is a dependable blade, that doesn't slip from your fingers when they are covered in goo and gore, is small enough to be manageable in confined quarters and has a beautiful aesthetic to it. It's a solid little knife, and whilst it isn't my first "go-to" blade, it does sit on my bedside table, just in case.