Review: Appalling Mall-Minja wall hangers!

Originally posted as part of Breach Bang Clear's ongoing Monday Night Knife Fights series.   

I talk about good knives, swords and axes a fair bit. I'm fan of dense steel with an edge. There's a lot of it out there, some good, some amazing, and some unspeakable trash. It's the latter stuff I want to discuss for a bit.
Lets talk Mall-Ninja wall-hangers. First you might ask, what's a mall-ninja?
A mall ninja is a breed of weapons and combat enthusiast characterized by being so ungrounded in reality as to make even the most hardcore gun nuts shake their heads. Equal parts naïveté, delusion, and obnoxiousness, the mall ninja contributes to countless ill-informed online debates concerning arms, armor, and warfare, and is a common consumer of assorted paramilitary woo, broscience, and shared misconceptions about history and the world. The term "mall ninja" is pejorative; no one self-identifies as such. We hope.
If you're worried there's a simple test you can take to assess your-mall-ninja status.   Good luck.
Now, if you're an avid Master Ken of "Enter the Dojo" disciple, you've probably had all the training and experience you'd need to make your own correct choices when purchasing your own pointies.
When it comes to some real Mall-Ninja wall hanger blade there are some key aspects that seal the classification:

1. Black. Real Ninja's need black weapons for their Tier One Wet Ops. Powder coated, painted, teflon coated, oxidised, it doesn't matter.
2. Cord-wrapped handle. Every real street-samurai wants their blade wrapped samurai style, and that means cord-wrapped.
3. Curves. Like every bad-lady out there it has a curves and every mall-ninja want's a bad lady of their very own.
4. More curves. See Above, but unnecessary curves are even better.
5. Extra cutting surfaces. Primary edges aren't very high speed-low drag. For true body-dropping power, you need blades on all faces.
6. Unnecessary serrations.   It's not a sharks mouth, buddy, its a knife. You need a chainsaw, get a Husky!
7. Tactical sheath. Drop-leg, back-scabbard or just "ballistic nylon".
8. A scary name. "No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley."Add a few "NINJA, ZOMBIE or DEATHs in there for good measure.

However; there's a lot of shiny bling out there. Here's a quick guide to some examples.

A - Zombie ass kicker. This is a bad-assed blade, but a serious wall-hanger. Extra serrations, extra edges to catch and snag, it's styled after the Aztec war swords to look extra scary. Ribbon-wrapped rather than cord, and a pretty thin, light steel. I don't have much faith in it's utility.
B - Living dead apocalypse full tang ninja sword.  Twin blades are better than one, obviously. Extra curves and serrations along the non-striking edge of the blade, as well as holes cut into the blade to lighten it, adding weakness.
C -"Hunting Knife." Perhaps if you're the Predator tracking Dutch and the other Rescue Team members.. This no-name piece  actually performs pretty well, regardless of its extra curves, useless serrated spine and extra holes. Its "full-tang, one-piece construction" is quite sturdy and the cord wrap handle well done. It's pretty well balanced, well finished, and were not for the extra holes and the saw on the spine, it might not even qualify as a Wall-hanger for Mall-Ninja's were it not for the dual shoulder strap back-holster  and the extra holes.
D - Black legion undead machete. Scary name, and wicked post-apocalyptic hammer finish. Now just add to the list the impressive looking spiked knuckle-guard, the "zombie-green' cord wrap and the drop-leg sheath and you've a "take-em-all-out before they getcha"special to scare mom with if she ever busts in on you practicing kata in the basement. water-bottles and melons of the world beware. To be fair, the blade appears to be well made, but the fitting are a tad flimsy for my tastes.
E - Z-hunter-axe. Not really an axe. Not really a hunting knife. Unnecessary saw-back serrations, extra curves and hooked edges. Great cord-wrapping and a single piece of steel for resilience, with sick jolly roger logo for extra-scary pirate aesthetic. Maybe if you're going from to room on a beached Somali cargo ship? I have a feeling it wouldn't  serve too well dressing a water-buffalo either. But zombies? narp.
F -KA-BAR War sword On first glance, this one looks like a prime candidate for Mall-Ninja wall-hanging.   It's got some curve to it, a lurid green scale grip, for extra zombie killing power, and a fully decked out nylon thigh sheath. However, its a serious work horse of a knife, but the scary name, and green scale gives them the potential for Mall-Ninja wall hanging.
G - Ontario Black Wind. Not every Mall-ninja wants a blingtastic katana straight out of Highlander or Blade. Some might prefer a more-or-less traditional "ninja-to style" short, straight and heavy sword, which is exactly the kind of blade that the Ontario Knife Co. put into Army Disposals and into the pages of martial arts catalogues. This is a bad-ass blade, undeserving of any scorn, and is in fact one of my go-to blades in the event of Apocalypse or civil unrest.  Even with its high-speed looking kydex scabbard,  just too good to be a wall-hanger.
H -Cold Steel Gladius. Last up from my own collection is the hungry-for blood Gladius from Cold Steel. Now, even the mighty Roman armies had their own groupies and  modern-day hangers on, thanks to a steady stream of "sand and sandals" action pictures. The humble Roman ground-pounder was issued one of these Gaul-stickers and bade go forth and pacify the Empire. The modern version hanging on my wall would have been a high-tech marvel of construction but fit in nicely in the shield-wall. I don't recommend trying to take that angle when trying to explain why you have one lashed to your hip with your Company First Sergeant, but, if you wanted a big ass blade for defending the empire "outside the wire" you could do a lot worse than one of these.



Lets take a moment to talk thickness. Cheap blades are often cut or pressed  from sheets of thin steel. This doesn't offer much cutting mass, strength or rigidity, all things I would want in a fighting blade. Different steels have different densities so its hard to gauge what steel is in the kick-ass zombie slayer you found at the disposal store, but the thickness of the blade can be a good indicator. I've found the thinner the blade, the less likely to be a practical tool (unless you're cutting sushi or shaving).



So. My last bit of advice to prospective blade collectors: Buy quality. It needn't be expensive, but should be from a reputable maker, be it a big company or a small smith. Be sure to give your new-found tool a run through its paces, before staking your life on it, (and get some formal training if possible). Don't be a mall-ninja.

Home Front: Stabbing Lcpl Schmuckatelli

Here's a bit of fun I had a weekend or so ago. I have used polyethylene cutting boards as faux armour inserts for some time for my roleplaying and MilSim purposes. They're about the right sized and shape, are cheep, durable and stiff enough to add some realism without being either heavy, difficult to come by, or plain illegal for a Regular Aussie Bloke to have in their possession, unlike folks in other Western World nations with newly elected governments.

I've used polyethylene boards in the kitchen for a long while now, and have often marveled how they hold up to cuts, hacks and stabs. I have even on occasion, slipped one under a jumper when I've been "expecting some trouble" and helping out a friend in a possibly stabby situation, Ned Kelly style.

So to test this, I loaded up my very under-inspiring Zombie Outbreak Grunt plate carrier with one of the boards I typically use, a Legitim from Ikea, which at 500g, (1lbs2oz) and 8mm (1/4") thick, has always served me well in the kitchen.

Up against it, I pitched an assortment of blades.

1. Schrade US Army knife
2. KA-BAR Famine Tanto
3. American Kami Super Colubris
4. Boker Tomahook (front and back)
5. United Cutlery M48 Tomahawk (front and back) 
6. Ontario Black Wind sword
7. United Cutlery M48 spear 

 I loaded the cutting board into the front of the plate carrier, which I had loaded up with 10 2L bottles of water, giving it a mass of 20kg (45lbs) and suspended it on a Tough Hook, with side-supports, in the hope of mimicking a free standing human target. Hitting a board laying on a block of wood or even free standing wouldn't be a very good simulation of being stabbed, but I hoped that this set-up would, as well as giving me a penetration "bleed" effect, if anything managed to make it through the board.

Here is the video we made of the testing.



I gave each stab or thrust a "I want to do you harm" amount of effort. Taking from my 16 years of kendo I have a fairly good idea of what these impacts would have on an armored target, as well as stabbing a bunch of things over the years for the hells of it. I was pretty happy with my strikes.

Here is the board once we removed it and married it up to the footage.


The two main "bleeder" shots were the back of the M48 tomahawk, the American Kami Super Colubris and the maybe M48 spear (if it actually punched that hole of its own accord).

So, in conclusion, unless someone is coming at you with a spear, or the pointy breaching end of an axe, you will probably be able to shrug off some stabs, and certainly all the slashes that land on a cutting board under your shirt. The good thing about polyethylene is that it is heat-labile, meaning you could mold it to be more chest-shaped.

Obviously there are commercially available, professionally made and certified stab proof inserts and garments you could use, if they were legally available to you, but for my purposes, they sem to fit exactly what I need from them. Won't stop a bullet, sure, but will turn a blade wielded by someone as strong as me.

Video Review: Ontario Black Wind vs meat & bone

In the final of these three posts demonstrating the abilities of the KA-BAR Zombie Killer knives, Dead-On Annihilator, Stanley FUBAR and Ontario Blackwind, I will leave you with the abilities of the Blackwind, which I reviewed a while back. This now out-of-production blade is loosely based on a Japanese sword, being a single edged, two handed blade. This one is considerably shorter than a "standard" katana, and far less curved, being all but straight. It does lend itself to techniques that I am familiar with however, and I have used it extensively as a horticultural tool, hence my nickname for it, my "tree-chopping sword"


1 Ontario BlackWind vs beef leg-bone, following the KA-BAR Zombie Killer collection. Watch for flying bone fragments, which impressed the hell out of me. That's why I wore safety glasses!

2 BlackWind vs pig head. Now, this head already had some damage done, in the form of penetration tests from the KA-BAR's, but the damage dealt by the Blackwind goes way beyond this. I only have a little experience test-cutting, and have been away from kendo training for some time with an ankle injury, so my form was off, but it certainly got the job done, from a standing cut-chop point of view. (We generally practice a moving cut-slice in kendo) but fairly happy with how these two cuts felt, given the targets and placements.

All in all, I was very happy with these tests, the items I tested, and lastly, the great stocks I made from the leftovers. I hope you liked this series of posts, feel free to comment and make requests for my next video demonstration and review.

Video Review: KA-BAR ZombieKiller blades

I wanted to do some practical testing of the
Ka-Bar Zombie Killer Knives that I have been reviewing of late, and felt the best way to do this was to do some practice cutting. Rather than invite strangers into my back yard for tsujigiri - the act of testing a sword on a chance passer-by, or tameshigiri- on rolled, wet, tatami matting, I chose to use a variety of meat and bone sources. Beef brisket off-cuts (with both bone and cartilaginous ribs), a beef leg bone, and halved pig head were my targets of choice.I could have used cardboard, bottles of water, bamboo, tatami-rolls or even, horror of horrors, fruit and vegetables but I wanted a more authentic performance test.

I hung the beef sides from a beam, to give it the opportunity to swing and move freely and also did static tests with the the beef sides, leg bone and pig head on stacked logs. This was my first attempt at target cutting on meat, but was a very rewarding experience.

I tried to limit myself to the cuts, strikes and thrusts that I would use in a fighting situation, rather than what I might use in a demolition or handy-man type situation, in that I wanted to avoid over extension, and sufficient commitment to each cut to complete it whilst being in a follow-up position as well.

All the meat was retrieved and used to make some really delightful stocks, the fat rendered for lard and the remnants fed to my chickens to supplement their pellet, grain and vegetable scrap diet.



1 Hanging beef-sides Vs the "Death" Dagger and "Famine" Tanto are the smaller two, with the "War" Sword and the "Pestilence" Chopper being the larger two.


2 Stabbing penetration beef-sides Vs the "Death" Dagger and "Famine" Tanto, along with the "War" Sword. The "Pestilence" Chopper did not have a stabbing tip so was not used for this test.


3 Beef leg bone the "Death" Dagger and "Famine" Tanto, with the "War" Sword and the "Pestilence" Chopper . I also tried out my "Tree Chopping Sword", the Ontario BlackWind which I reviewed a while back.


4 Finally, I tested the three stabbing capable KA-BAR's against the pig head for penetration.

I was really pleased with how each of these knives (and my sword) worked out. They did indeed wreak devastation onto the targets, effortlessly cutting and stabbing, chopping bone without a noticeable blemish to the edges or coatings.

I hope you enjoyed watching as much as I liked making these, and stay tuned for some hammering from the Annihilator and FUBAR, next!

Review: Ontario Black Wind

Say hello to my little friend. This is an old faithful of mine. Let me introduce the now discontinued Ontario Knife Co.'s Black Wind.

It came into my collection when my parents moved to the coast in 1999. Their house was surrounded by tea-tree (which for the non-Australians, is a dense, scrubby tree) and they wanted a path cut to the beach. Sure I could have used a machete, but I'm a two-hand blade kind of guy. I could have used a chain saw too, but that might have alerted the neighbors to our plans. I had seen this in the display at a disposal store in the city, and decided to offer my parents to cut the path for the cost of the tool to do it. They were dubious. Dubious that I could clear them a path, dubious that I could do it by hand, and dubious that I could do it with a sword. It took me about 45 minutes, and I cleared a path wide enough for two to stroll down, with overhanging branch cover, for about 170-180 meters, in about an hour, through to a clearing which led to the beach.

The blade is a single piece of 1095 steel, 76cm from tip to end. It has a short cross guard built in, and a tightly wrapped paracord grip. The whole sword weighs 900g. It is both marked and was marketed as a "katana" and whilst it is a gently curved, single edged, two handed blade, it isn't really a nihonto it is however, more than a machete. I was cutting tea tree tree trunks and branches as thick as my wrist in single cuts. The entire piece is powder coated with black paint, except the edge, which was razor sharp when first purchased and appears to have been sharpened with wire brushes, as it had many micro-serration like lines along the whole length of the edge. It sheen many years now, and lots of chopping later, and I gave it a test cutting not too long ago and this is the result... Bamboo shinai slats, dry but very flexible. The one in the middle was shattered (hence why it was replaced) but as you can see they all cut very convincingly. It's weight fills the hand nicely, the balance is well suited for both one or two handed wielding, and whilst a little shorter than I am used to, this rigid and stiff blade makes short work of any gardening tasks I've used it for. It comes with me on every camping trip I go on.

The scabbard is kydex, and comes with a wide webbing belt loop, and several kydex loop fittings on the back and fed a length of himo to assist in tying it off. I moved the webbing from opening at the top of the scabbard to fitting it through the included eyelets around the middle balance point, so I can wear it on my belt in approximately the the right position for a katana, blade up. It has an odd scimitar looking pattern pressed into it, which was odd. The blade is held into the scabbard with a very secure and easy to fit by friction alone. It's never come undone inappropriately, and with the adjustments, sits on my hip very comfortably. I've found that when cutting through thick or tough material it can be a bit jarring, as the paracord doesn't provide much padding for shock resistance, but does give a good positive grip. This is the blade I leave by my bedside. I have far nicer swords, but I can trust the Black Wind to do what it does. It was marketed at battle ready and I have no doubt it would excel at that.

I call it my Tree Chopping Sword, and until I lay my paws on a Zombie Tools blade, this is the tool I'll be reaching for to cut my way to freedom and survival when the dead rise.

For Christmas. Zombie Christmas....