Review: Appalling Mall-Minja wall hangers!

Originally posted as part of Breach Bang Clear's ongoing Monday Night Knife Fights series.   

I talk about good knives, swords and axes a fair bit. I'm fan of dense steel with an edge. There's a lot of it out there, some good, some amazing, and some unspeakable trash. It's the latter stuff I want to discuss for a bit.
Lets talk Mall-Ninja wall-hangers. First you might ask, what's a mall-ninja?
A mall ninja is a breed of weapons and combat enthusiast characterized by being so ungrounded in reality as to make even the most hardcore gun nuts shake their heads. Equal parts naïveté, delusion, and obnoxiousness, the mall ninja contributes to countless ill-informed online debates concerning arms, armor, and warfare, and is a common consumer of assorted paramilitary woo, broscience, and shared misconceptions about history and the world. The term "mall ninja" is pejorative; no one self-identifies as such. We hope.
If you're worried there's a simple test you can take to assess your-mall-ninja status.   Good luck.
Now, if you're an avid Master Ken of "Enter the Dojo" disciple, you've probably had all the training and experience you'd need to make your own correct choices when purchasing your own pointies.
When it comes to some real Mall-Ninja wall hanger blade there are some key aspects that seal the classification:

1. Black. Real Ninja's need black weapons for their Tier One Wet Ops. Powder coated, painted, teflon coated, oxidised, it doesn't matter.
2. Cord-wrapped handle. Every real street-samurai wants their blade wrapped samurai style, and that means cord-wrapped.
3. Curves. Like every bad-lady out there it has a curves and every mall-ninja want's a bad lady of their very own.
4. More curves. See Above, but unnecessary curves are even better.
5. Extra cutting surfaces. Primary edges aren't very high speed-low drag. For true body-dropping power, you need blades on all faces.
6. Unnecessary serrations.   It's not a sharks mouth, buddy, its a knife. You need a chainsaw, get a Husky!
7. Tactical sheath. Drop-leg, back-scabbard or just "ballistic nylon".
8. A scary name. "No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley."Add a few "NINJA, ZOMBIE or DEATHs in there for good measure.

However; there's a lot of shiny bling out there. Here's a quick guide to some examples.

A - Zombie ass kicker. This is a bad-assed blade, but a serious wall-hanger. Extra serrations, extra edges to catch and snag, it's styled after the Aztec war swords to look extra scary. Ribbon-wrapped rather than cord, and a pretty thin, light steel. I don't have much faith in it's utility.
B - Living dead apocalypse full tang ninja sword.  Twin blades are better than one, obviously. Extra curves and serrations along the non-striking edge of the blade, as well as holes cut into the blade to lighten it, adding weakness.
C -"Hunting Knife." Perhaps if you're the Predator tracking Dutch and the other Rescue Team members.. This no-name piece  actually performs pretty well, regardless of its extra curves, useless serrated spine and extra holes. Its "full-tang, one-piece construction" is quite sturdy and the cord wrap handle well done. It's pretty well balanced, well finished, and were not for the extra holes and the saw on the spine, it might not even qualify as a Wall-hanger for Mall-Ninja's were it not for the dual shoulder strap back-holster  and the extra holes.
D - Black legion undead machete. Scary name, and wicked post-apocalyptic hammer finish. Now just add to the list the impressive looking spiked knuckle-guard, the "zombie-green' cord wrap and the drop-leg sheath and you've a "take-em-all-out before they getcha"special to scare mom with if she ever busts in on you practicing kata in the basement. water-bottles and melons of the world beware. To be fair, the blade appears to be well made, but the fitting are a tad flimsy for my tastes.
E - Z-hunter-axe. Not really an axe. Not really a hunting knife. Unnecessary saw-back serrations, extra curves and hooked edges. Great cord-wrapping and a single piece of steel for resilience, with sick jolly roger logo for extra-scary pirate aesthetic. Maybe if you're going from to room on a beached Somali cargo ship? I have a feeling it wouldn't  serve too well dressing a water-buffalo either. But zombies? narp.
F -KA-BAR War sword On first glance, this one looks like a prime candidate for Mall-Ninja wall-hanging.   It's got some curve to it, a lurid green scale grip, for extra zombie killing power, and a fully decked out nylon thigh sheath. However, its a serious work horse of a knife, but the scary name, and green scale gives them the potential for Mall-Ninja wall hanging.
G - Ontario Black Wind. Not every Mall-ninja wants a blingtastic katana straight out of Highlander or Blade. Some might prefer a more-or-less traditional "ninja-to style" short, straight and heavy sword, which is exactly the kind of blade that the Ontario Knife Co. put into Army Disposals and into the pages of martial arts catalogues. This is a bad-ass blade, undeserving of any scorn, and is in fact one of my go-to blades in the event of Apocalypse or civil unrest.  Even with its high-speed looking kydex scabbard,  just too good to be a wall-hanger.
H -Cold Steel Gladius. Last up from my own collection is the hungry-for blood Gladius from Cold Steel. Now, even the mighty Roman armies had their own groupies and  modern-day hangers on, thanks to a steady stream of "sand and sandals" action pictures. The humble Roman ground-pounder was issued one of these Gaul-stickers and bade go forth and pacify the Empire. The modern version hanging on my wall would have been a high-tech marvel of construction but fit in nicely in the shield-wall. I don't recommend trying to take that angle when trying to explain why you have one lashed to your hip with your Company First Sergeant, but, if you wanted a big ass blade for defending the empire "outside the wire" you could do a lot worse than one of these.



Lets take a moment to talk thickness. Cheap blades are often cut or pressed  from sheets of thin steel. This doesn't offer much cutting mass, strength or rigidity, all things I would want in a fighting blade. Different steels have different densities so its hard to gauge what steel is in the kick-ass zombie slayer you found at the disposal store, but the thickness of the blade can be a good indicator. I've found the thinner the blade, the less likely to be a practical tool (unless you're cutting sushi or shaving).



So. My last bit of advice to prospective blade collectors: Buy quality. It needn't be expensive, but should be from a reputable maker, be it a big company or a small smith. Be sure to give your new-found tool a run through its paces, before staking your life on it, (and get some formal training if possible). Don't be a mall-ninja.

Review: United Cutlery M48 Spear

Here's a fun item that I've had sitting by my front door in the umbrella stand for a while, and thought I should give it screen time. I've had a soft spot for spears for a long time, perhaps not as long as with swords, but still, a good long while. My first spear was a Kenyan Maasai spear, and I've previously shown off my Cold Steel Boar Spear which is as impressive a spear as you're likely to ever wave around and at 208cm (82 1/8"), it's not something you carry around lightly.

This is the M48 Kommando Survival Spear, by United Cutlery. This is another of the M48 family, which I have covered before with the Walking Axe and the very handy Ranger Hawk.
Sharing the same 30% fiberglass haft as the Walking Axe, which measures 92cm (36 1/8”) this is actually quite short for a spear, and reminds me of the Zulu Assegai and Ikiwa spears.

As with the Walking Axe, the haft is about 10-15cm too short for me to use as an effective cane, unless I wanted to grasp the head, never a good idea, really.

With the molded finger grips at the head end, and flared throat to prevent over penetration, the spear itself balances nicely when held here, one handed. Two other grip points, in the form of a series of inset groves about midway and at the butt-end allow for a number of different holds.

 Certainly in the places I'd want to be grasping a spear for close fighting, or in a shield wall, if that were my thing.

With a 20cm (8") head, featuring a rather impressive flat grind bevel on both sides. It manages this by being extremely thick, at almost half an inch at the middle, which features some fluting and holes through the spine, which drops the wight a little.

All up this piece weighs 1kg (2.2lbs), mostly at the head. Given the solid design of the head, I expect that it would take a lot more abuse than the head of the Walking Axe, which as you may have read, experienced some structural failure (but not catastrophically) on my last camping trip, chopping firewood.

I expect the M48 spear to pack a lot more wallop, but a spear is not an axe. I'll have to give some thought to how to demonstrate this effectively. Once again, the length of the spear gave me pause. Longer than a knife, longer than a sword, but not really long enough to keep a foe at more than "arms length". The other option was hunting medium sized game.

I haven't had a chance to go out far enough away from prying eyes to fling it around, but at 1 kg, it makes for a pretty dense package for a thrown weapon. It would make a very substantial club though.

Still, it's size allows it to go a lot of places a full length spear like the Cold Steel Boar Spear just can't. Like across your back whilst scrambling up a ravine, or climbing through a building.

It will fit in a car boot, or even lashed to a bike. That big broad head isn't suited to spear-fishing, but I can imagine that in survival situations it would work nicely for both sea-side wildlife and deterring land predators.

Perhaps the most telling aspect of this spear is its cross section.

I used a pizza box to demonstrate the cross section, and you can see just how solid the M48 blade is. This thing pokes big holes.Perhaps not as wide or deep as the Cold Steel, but certainly broadly.

I've not really had much opportunity to put it thought its paces, the fox that took my last bunch of pet rabbits hasn't been back since I threw the Walking Axe at it (close is NOT a hit, in this case) but I think that local livestock protection and vermin control might well be the best option for this piece, until it comes time to go house-to-house and ventilate a horde.

Review: Cold Steel - Gladius

At the same time I picked up my United Cutlery M48 walking-axe I also managed to scoop up my second Cold Steel piece, via the folks at Global Gear. I have had the Cold Steel Boar Spear for years, and have purchased several of their knives for people in the past, but have now added their Gladius to my collection.

I've known the Cold Steel products to be no nonsense pieces, and this is no exception. Styled after the Pompeii style standard sword of Roman Legionaries the Cold Steel version is referred to as a machete, and it certainly functions in this role.

The piece is double edged, and features a 48cm (19") blade, being 68cm (27") overall, and I thought the waisted head of the blade was was a nice touch, giving it an elegant line. Made of 2.8mm thick 1055 carbon steel with a baked on rust-protecting matte black finish, it is both light in the hand, at 510g (18oz), and with the large polypropylene handle, it is a well balanced piece.

When I un-boxed it, I found (as several other reviewers have noted) that the edge was a little rough, some burrs from the grinding process still apparent, which was a bit disappointing.  With a few passes with my DMT sharpeners, these cleared nicely. I have used it for clearing brush, and some test cutting, and found it to have good resistance to shock, and the finger groves to offer good purchase for the hand.  Here it is lined up against my wall-hanger gladius, which is much closer to the 1.5kg of the ancient pieces, but not the utility.

The pommel is drilled, to accept a lanyard, should that he desirable, which I think might be, as I felt the polypropylene finish to be a bit slick. Stippling could also help solve this.

I also wanted to compare this visually, up against the Ontario BlackWind, which is almost 400g heavier, and two-handed, but I was surprised to feel how much livelier the Gladius was. Interesting. Being thinner, it slices nicely, but I wonder about its resilience to stiffer abuse.


The sheath is made of Cor-Ex, which is to say some kind of nylon, with a hard plastic liner to protect it from the edges and stabbing point of the blade. With a simple belt loop, it wouldn't be a problem to wear this in Legionnaire style, but I'd also like to have some other means of strapping it to me. That said, for all my jungle-clearing action I think a belt-carry for this would be just fine.

I've also included a clip of me waving it about in a manly yet practical fashion, to give you an idea how it handles, and how it cuts.

Given its relative low cost, and solid construction I'd say this was a very good option for those who want more than just a simple a chopper in their machete collection. 

Review: Cold Steel - Boar Spear

One of my first big "you have a job now" purchases once I got a "real job" (that is to say, a job in the field I studied at uni for 5 years for) was something I had to have ordered in for me. This was years ago, but I haven't regretted it one moment.

It was the beginning of my long friendship with the Platatac guys, because when someone walks into your outdoor and disposals type store and asks you to order a boar spear, and you grin, nod and find the catalog, that made me feel I'd found my brand. (edit: get in quick, they have one up on eBay)

Now, obviously, this isn't the kind of thing that they make themselves, or even keep in stock, but they had other products from Cold Steel under the counter and were only to happy to order one in for me, deposit on the counter and all (it would have been a big-ticket item to get stuck with if I'd done a runner on them). Shipping wasn't cheep, but I have to say, it was well worth it. This is the Cold Steel Boar Spear and it is seriously bad-ass.

The handle is a serious Premium American Ash pole, well finished and rounded. Hefty without being burdensome, and considerably thicker than the bo-staffs that I'd been very vaguely shown how to wield by friends.  It was also a lot thicker than the oval handled naginata hafts I've held, and the long spear equivalent, the yari. It deals a serious blow when swung, jabbed or butted with.

The head of the blade is an impressive 47cm (18 1/2"), with a bit over 30cm of that being the broad leaf head blade and all told, the whole piece measures in at 208cm (82 1/8"), and 1.9kg (4 1/4lbs).


The broad crossguards are rolled from the same piece of 2.4mm (3/32") SK-5 Medium Carbon steel that the rest of the spearhead is. These are here to keep your prey from riding up the spear after a successful strike, to maul you. They also serve the purpose of hooking over shield-walls, and catching and deflecting other weapons, when used in war. Not that they have been used extensively in war since the middle ages, but the practice is sound!

Cold Steel report that the blade is cold forged from their medium carbon SK-5 steel then heat treated to a spring temper, and is designed to flex under stress instead of breaking.

The blade also features a reinforcing rib, hammered into the spine, which stiffens it further, whilst also giving the haft a deep well to seat into. Holes in the neck, between the crossguards and the blade allow it to be screwed into place, or detached to transport, store or to use the blade by itself as a short-sword.

The edges are keen, and have given me no trouble over the years, although I must admit, I haven't been hunting with it, I have done drills, cutting and thrusting practice with it to great effect. This is a truly awe inspiring piece, and sends a very clear message when leveled at someones chest that you are not to be trifled with. (Oh, you'd like to think I don't know this from experience, but I'm afraid I do).

Cold Steel now offer a "Secure-Ex®" kydex-type material sheath, complete with press-stud quick release, and attachemnt options, but when I got mine, I made do with heavy leather, and whipped up a functional sheath.