Review: Appalling Mall-Minja wall hangers!

Originally posted as part of Breach Bang Clear's ongoing Monday Night Knife Fights series.   

I talk about good knives, swords and axes a fair bit. I'm fan of dense steel with an edge. There's a lot of it out there, some good, some amazing, and some unspeakable trash. It's the latter stuff I want to discuss for a bit.
Lets talk Mall-Ninja wall-hangers. First you might ask, what's a mall-ninja?
A mall ninja is a breed of weapons and combat enthusiast characterized by being so ungrounded in reality as to make even the most hardcore gun nuts shake their heads. Equal parts naïveté, delusion, and obnoxiousness, the mall ninja contributes to countless ill-informed online debates concerning arms, armor, and warfare, and is a common consumer of assorted paramilitary woo, broscience, and shared misconceptions about history and the world. The term "mall ninja" is pejorative; no one self-identifies as such. We hope.
If you're worried there's a simple test you can take to assess your-mall-ninja status.   Good luck.
Now, if you're an avid Master Ken of "Enter the Dojo" disciple, you've probably had all the training and experience you'd need to make your own correct choices when purchasing your own pointies.
When it comes to some real Mall-Ninja wall hanger blade there are some key aspects that seal the classification:

1. Black. Real Ninja's need black weapons for their Tier One Wet Ops. Powder coated, painted, teflon coated, oxidised, it doesn't matter.
2. Cord-wrapped handle. Every real street-samurai wants their blade wrapped samurai style, and that means cord-wrapped.
3. Curves. Like every bad-lady out there it has a curves and every mall-ninja want's a bad lady of their very own.
4. More curves. See Above, but unnecessary curves are even better.
5. Extra cutting surfaces. Primary edges aren't very high speed-low drag. For true body-dropping power, you need blades on all faces.
6. Unnecessary serrations.   It's not a sharks mouth, buddy, its a knife. You need a chainsaw, get a Husky!
7. Tactical sheath. Drop-leg, back-scabbard or just "ballistic nylon".
8. A scary name. "No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley."Add a few "NINJA, ZOMBIE or DEATHs in there for good measure.

However; there's a lot of shiny bling out there. Here's a quick guide to some examples.

A - Zombie ass kicker. This is a bad-assed blade, but a serious wall-hanger. Extra serrations, extra edges to catch and snag, it's styled after the Aztec war swords to look extra scary. Ribbon-wrapped rather than cord, and a pretty thin, light steel. I don't have much faith in it's utility.
B - Living dead apocalypse full tang ninja sword.  Twin blades are better than one, obviously. Extra curves and serrations along the non-striking edge of the blade, as well as holes cut into the blade to lighten it, adding weakness.
C -"Hunting Knife." Perhaps if you're the Predator tracking Dutch and the other Rescue Team members.. This no-name piece  actually performs pretty well, regardless of its extra curves, useless serrated spine and extra holes. Its "full-tang, one-piece construction" is quite sturdy and the cord wrap handle well done. It's pretty well balanced, well finished, and were not for the extra holes and the saw on the spine, it might not even qualify as a Wall-hanger for Mall-Ninja's were it not for the dual shoulder strap back-holster  and the extra holes.
D - Black legion undead machete. Scary name, and wicked post-apocalyptic hammer finish. Now just add to the list the impressive looking spiked knuckle-guard, the "zombie-green' cord wrap and the drop-leg sheath and you've a "take-em-all-out before they getcha"special to scare mom with if she ever busts in on you practicing kata in the basement. water-bottles and melons of the world beware. To be fair, the blade appears to be well made, but the fitting are a tad flimsy for my tastes.
E - Z-hunter-axe. Not really an axe. Not really a hunting knife. Unnecessary saw-back serrations, extra curves and hooked edges. Great cord-wrapping and a single piece of steel for resilience, with sick jolly roger logo for extra-scary pirate aesthetic. Maybe if you're going from to room on a beached Somali cargo ship? I have a feeling it wouldn't  serve too well dressing a water-buffalo either. But zombies? narp.
F -KA-BAR War sword On first glance, this one looks like a prime candidate for Mall-Ninja wall-hanging.   It's got some curve to it, a lurid green scale grip, for extra zombie killing power, and a fully decked out nylon thigh sheath. However, its a serious work horse of a knife, but the scary name, and green scale gives them the potential for Mall-Ninja wall hanging.
G - Ontario Black Wind. Not every Mall-ninja wants a blingtastic katana straight out of Highlander or Blade. Some might prefer a more-or-less traditional "ninja-to style" short, straight and heavy sword, which is exactly the kind of blade that the Ontario Knife Co. put into Army Disposals and into the pages of martial arts catalogues. This is a bad-ass blade, undeserving of any scorn, and is in fact one of my go-to blades in the event of Apocalypse or civil unrest.  Even with its high-speed looking kydex scabbard,  just too good to be a wall-hanger.
H -Cold Steel Gladius. Last up from my own collection is the hungry-for blood Gladius from Cold Steel. Now, even the mighty Roman armies had their own groupies and  modern-day hangers on, thanks to a steady stream of "sand and sandals" action pictures. The humble Roman ground-pounder was issued one of these Gaul-stickers and bade go forth and pacify the Empire. The modern version hanging on my wall would have been a high-tech marvel of construction but fit in nicely in the shield-wall. I don't recommend trying to take that angle when trying to explain why you have one lashed to your hip with your Company First Sergeant, but, if you wanted a big ass blade for defending the empire "outside the wire" you could do a lot worse than one of these.



Lets take a moment to talk thickness. Cheap blades are often cut or pressed  from sheets of thin steel. This doesn't offer much cutting mass, strength or rigidity, all things I would want in a fighting blade. Different steels have different densities so its hard to gauge what steel is in the kick-ass zombie slayer you found at the disposal store, but the thickness of the blade can be a good indicator. I've found the thinner the blade, the less likely to be a practical tool (unless you're cutting sushi or shaving).



So. My last bit of advice to prospective blade collectors: Buy quality. It needn't be expensive, but should be from a reputable maker, be it a big company or a small smith. Be sure to give your new-found tool a run through its paces, before staking your life on it, (and get some formal training if possible). Don't be a mall-ninja.

Review: Helinox Tactical Umbrella

My friends at HORNEST in Singapore sent me this Helinox product, and I've really enjoyed the Helinox Tactical chairs, which have accompanied me into snowfields and jungles, beaches and backyard cookoffs. So I was only too pleased to add some more Helinox products to my loadout. They are light, rugged, and portable.

The Helinox Tactical Umbrella is an ultra lightweight, yet highly durable take on the ubiquitous umbrella. Featuring a lightweight DAC aluminium pole at its center, which reminded me of one of my Easton Redline arrows and strutted with carbon fiber rods.

The canopy is teflon-coated polyester for superior water repellency and I put that to the test with some fairly heavy Melbourne summer rain, on several occasions. It worked really well, which was at first surprising given how small the umbrella is when stowed, being only 63.5 cm (25") long. The canopy boasts an UPF 25 rating (it blocks 96% of UV radiation)

It only weighs 210g (7.5 oz) but when opened up, it spreads to a broad full 100 cm (39.4") canopy.
At that size, and weight the Tactical Umbrella is light enough to bring anywhere, and keep ready to deploy when the skies open. Never go without protection from the elements again, with the Helinox Tactical Umbrella.

What makes it 'Tactical"? I suppose that's mostly advertising wank by the marketing team at Helinox, but then again, with its coyote brown finish, metal free design, and lightweight, compact design, you can forgive them their stretch. It also goes by "Trekking" and that name is more than fitting. I strapped this to the side of my backpack and whip it out when the skies open, it's out of the way until needed.

Being one piece and not folding like other "trekking" umbrellas, the design is both metal and mechanism free. There is no latch to break, no springs to jam or break, the tension of the canopy and the carbon fibre struts is perfectly designed and opens which a gentle slide of the strut-ring. It's held in place by a hook-and-loop closing strap, which even features a small loop field on the back side, to affix a 1" sized patch, perfect for a ranger-eye!

The closed cell foam grip and strap give you pretty good retention, especially important given the very breeze catching canopy, which is one of the things I've never liked about umbrellas. This handle however, along with its cord retention strap, is solid enough and robust enough that even Tactical baby can manage it in a breeze. The balance is really good, and whilst it's not long enough for me to use as walking pole, a shorter person could easily. It has a tip of the same closed cell foam as the handle, which makes it unsuitable for use as a walking stick over the long term, but does avoid the eye-poking risk that regular umbrellas may offer. This is a two edged sword however.

Having a soft tip makes it less able to be used as a damaging tool, in he way a hard spike ended umbrella might be able to, such as with the Unbreakable Umbrella. I found that by gripping the handle and choking up to the bottom of the canopy spars, it was possible to hold the closed umbrella like a baton.

A soft tipped baton, perhaps, but a baton. With the carbon fibre struts and the aluminium shaft at its centre, it's pretty rigid, and could be quite effective as a last-ditch defensive tool. I think it would stand up against a knife for long enough to make a break for it, or for a skilled user to use some hanbo or singlestick techniques as a defensive or even offensive tool.

Another aspect of the umbrella that I really likes comes from it's short handle, but broad canopy. It was possible for me at 193cm (6'4") on a tall day to scootch down and be almost entirely covered by the umbrella as I squatted. Consider this for both conceilability, by obscuring yourself under it directly, which could be supplemented by local foliage to form a hide of sorts. This also equates for use in its primary capacity as a shelter from the rain, it is entirely big enough to shelter under in a serious downpour you could drop down and almost entirely cover yourself.

For raingear, I usually opt for a boonie hat, poncho and maybe waterproof pants . However, I've been wearing the Helinox Umbrella slotted into my Mystery Ranch 1Day Assault Pack and have found it was easy to store and then deploy when needed. It worked really well, and I've had no regrets looking that extra bit like a Kingsman ... from a certain point of view, anyway.

Review: Mudlarks - All-In-One

I took the family up to the snow recently (yes, there is snow in Australia, not very much, and not very long, but it we do get it) at Mount Baw Baw, and in my planning to do so, I wanted to ensure they would be adequately protected from the environment. I posted about what I wore, here)

Triceratops Girl (in pink) has previously been a model for the Muddlarks "Bib'n'Braces"  so I was prepared to make an investment in a set of their all-in-one coveralls for her and Tactical baby. Cold, wet and miserable children are NEVER a good thing, especially in hazardous and adverse conditions.

The whole Muddlarks range is constructed from waterproofed  breathable polyurethane coated, 150gsm nylon rated to 6000mm+. (See this guide to understand what this rating means)  . The fabric has also been Teflon® proofed on the outer facing of the material which helps resist staining and acts as a Durable Water Repellent (DWR). Water, snow and slush just beads and rolls off.

One of the important aspects of staying warm and dry in the snow is not to become wet in the first place, so this is a great material, especially as it retains its breathability. This ensures that the wearer doesn't steam too much on the -inside- which could lead to dampness and chilling.  The all-in-one Muddlarks provide a single piece coverall that ensures no "puddles and snow down the back" moments, with its ankles to crown coverage.

 Moving from outside to in , just unzipping improved their comfort considerably, especially with the polar-fleece lined larger version. This was child-sized hardshell wear at its best, i think.

The attached hood has an elasticised bill, to keep it snugly fitted in high winds, with a press-stud closure at the neck to keep the wide plastic zipper from sliding open. In the "Size 2" option, there are some press-studs at the nape of the neck to adjust the fit for smaller heads.

The hood, and shoulder/back have reflective piping, to assist in locating and safety in low-light situations. 

The back of the suits also feature elastic gathers, to ensure a better fit, with all the seams being taped for additional waterproofing. This was so effective that when Triceratops Girl fell backwards into a calf deep puddle (for her) that she was still bone dry inside even after sitting in it till i could haul her out.

With elasticised ankle and wrist cuffs, the biggest concern I had was that the girls would get snow and slush into their gumboots, but the Muddlarks design had catered for that as well. The fleece lining in the larger size ensured a warm Triceratops Girl, whilst we bundled Tactical Baby with a insulating mid-layer, and she fared just as well.

 Tapered and fitted cuffs, along with the elastic produced a snug fit, without constricting. but it is the button-closed adjustable elastic loop that really makes these a winner. Able to stretch around the ankle of a gumboot then affix, gater-style under them. This combination really ensures a good seal against incidental soaking, especially for little people. Again, cold, wet, miserable little people are not just a burden in an outdoors adventure,but in a survival situation, it becomes an even more serious risk.

I was really pleased with how these performed in the snow, but I've also seen how well the other items in the range (the bib'n'braces, specifically) perform in the mud, sand and forest floor. I really liked these for my kids.